The complications of "home" and longing for belonging
A New Video for Heimatort is released into the world
photo by Raisa Durandi
On the Swiss passport, instead of a birth place, a “heimatort” - one’s “home town” or “place of origin” - is listed. Inherited from previous generations (historically through one’s father), mine has been passed to me through my mother, who also inherited hers. One’s heimatort was historically linked to accessing municipal support and welfare, and as a child, I was told my heimatort was a place I could go to if I was ever in trouble and be taken care of, a wildly romantic idea I sort of clung to. This small town in the Bernese Oberland would somehow know me and care for me. I would find belonging.
In my adulthood, in a time of deep reflection about my own family lineage, and my self and identity within that, I was riddled with questions about my relation to this place: what does it actually mean to be nostalgic, to long for somewhere that doesn’t really exist? The town is not imaginary, but my connection to it is layered: everyone I am connected to lives in the cemetery. What is a “home town” without community? I feel both deeply intertwined with this place yet also like an outsider; the stories and family mythologies blurring with the striking mountains and landscape*.
When planning this video, Victoria Long (the director), Cara Spooner (choreographer), and I talked a lot about multitudes of self, longing, tracing lineage, mental and physical geographies, the complications of nostalgia, and conflicting interpersonal dualities. I am realizing more and more, as corny as it may sound, that this film is really about self-acceptance, and attempting to reconcile all these parts of myself with softness and grace. This is me moving and dancing with my other selves, trying to have tenderness for the insecurity and wondering and growing.
We made this on rocks that used to be mountains, north of Toronto on the territory of the Shawanaga First Nation, which belongs to the larger Anishnabek Nation.
Julia Male did such a beautiful job dancing. Kevin Saunders was an essential camera assistant and also took some beautiful BTS photos. Ryan Ruskay did the colour grade. Mac Ogden took us to the rocks with his boat. Martha Ramsay and Charles Bierk let us stay with them, and fed us, and were truly incredible hosts, also helping us figure out logistics and planning, and taking us to other rocks by boat. A special thanks to Tim Squirrel and Ally O’Grady as well. Thank you to Jeff and Alex at Idée Fixe, and Factor for the funding.
So much labour went into this by everyone involved, especially Victoria, who was essential in encouraging and helping this be made and released into the world, for which I am so grateful. A final thank you as well to the other Victoria in my life, Victoria Cheong, who had a long phone call with me and helped me ruminate early on in the dreaming and scheming around this video concept. And of course to Melissa at Rose Waterfalls Vintage for the dress.
*the cover photo of the album was shot up a mountain that is not far from my heimatort, if that gives an idea of the landscape.